Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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