Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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