The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
