so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
