She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
she peed on how many people?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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