I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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