the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
