I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
