Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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