her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
two words...techno handjob
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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