My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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