FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
