I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
