did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
