FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
