insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
True strength comes from lack of pants
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
