What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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