hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
