Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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