I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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