Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
