Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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