yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
