My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
