he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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