Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
