just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
