Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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