The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
