I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
