I'm laying in your front yard are you home
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
