i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
