why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
