My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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