My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
