Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
