he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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