omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
