your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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