Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
