Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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