i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
