my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize