no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
