so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
