So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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