i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
