I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
