i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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