My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
