last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
