I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
